Hopeless
I forget that I have this but since I don’t think that anyone follows me it will be safe to post this.
As much as I try to tell myself that it’s not all bad in terms of dating, it really is. I’m 24. I’ve never been in a relationship. Never really had a sexual experience. I’ve don’t know very many gay people despite living in the SF Bay which arguable has the largest quantity of gays on the West Coast. I feel like there is such pressure to look and act a certain way. It’s too much. I feel like because I’ve never had the “normal” dating stuff I feel like such a failure. I go to the gym 3x a week, I run 3x a week, I buy nice clothes and try to look presentable. I’m always trying to think that there might, might be someone who is watching me. But I know that deep down, no one sees me. I know that no one gives two shits about. People tell me that “everyone has a type.” Well I’m pretty sure no one’s type is ugly, repugnant, desperate, mopey, and awkward. There are days where I do feel attractive and I want to go out of my way and get attention. But my paralyzing lack of self-confidence holds me back. I’m so afraid of being rejected to the point where I won’t talk to anyone because I know that it would hurt more to try and talk to someone and get rejected than to not try at all and never have to feel it. Either way, I’m losing out.
I was talking to a guy and we seemed to have a normal conversation and then he asked to see pictures. And this is where it allll goes downhill. I send him a few and then the “we’re not a match” sentence comes up as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. And I ask him “what is your match” and he goes “I like twinks” which is a nice of saying “I like skinny white guys” and I go “so what would you call me” and he goes “idk” Well, I know what you would call me. Ugly. Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly.
I hate how l will do the things that society tells me I should do. I work hard. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t sleep around. I’m a good son. I’m a good friend. I’m responsible. I’m pretty healthy. I work out. I’m creative. I, apparently, have a good personality. I feel like even with all these “positives” people cannot get past my looks and cannot get past my image and it makes all of those things go out the window. It tells me what people really care about. And I know I will probably never become the things that people want me to be. I can’t change my genetic make up, but at the same time, I feel hopeless. Is there ANYONE who will look at me and not judge me by my cover. And it’s not like I’m some horrible leper. I’m just normal. I’m just me. And I guess it’s not enough, and it hasn’t been enough and it sure as hell looks like it will never be enough.
Being single all my life. Being alone. It makes me so depressed. It makes me question what I’m doing anything of this for. Why do I bother trying if people don’t give a shit. What is the point? I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m never going to be good enough. So why am I still here?
